I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
