I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
