3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my shit smells like andre
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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