oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
