the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize