He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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