someone threw a dead crab at me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
