peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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