well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
