Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
