and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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