but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
