My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
