Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
