Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
