# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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