Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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