i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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