He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
