So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize