Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
