they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
