he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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