Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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