his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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