He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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