dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
