I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
