New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
