yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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