My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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