My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
