Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
