True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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