I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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