you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
