It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
