Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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