thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
