if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize