I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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