youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
