you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
