honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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