I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
