is your mom at the bar?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
