I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
