I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
