I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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