I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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