you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
