My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize