ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I came so hard my ears popped.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
