I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
