I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
