You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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