I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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