All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
