Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
