i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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