Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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