Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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