My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
