I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
