Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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